by Mojito Maven on November 10, 2009
A conversation that occurred while waiting for my 2PM staff meeting to start:
Co-worker #1: MM, you have a huge smudge on your right cheek.
Co-worker #2: Yeah, it looks like you just buried your face in mud.
Both co-workers begin to laugh uncontrollably.
MM: Huh?
I quickly get up to check my reflection in the glass window. I turn my head from side to side…repeatedly. For the life of me I cannot see anything on my face. I shrug it off as them just being annoying and retake my seat.
Co-worker #1: No seriously, you have a large brown mark on your face.
Co-worker #2: She’s not lying. You really do.
Co-worker #2 points her finger at my face. I quickly back away from her hand.
MM: Well clearly it’s not that huge because I couldn’t see anything on my face.
Co-worker #2 wets her thumb with saliva and rubs my cheek while my hands flail in the air trying to get her to stop. Side note: I SHIT YOU NOT this happened. What am I? Five? And what happened to personal space? Ugh.
Co-worker #1: You know what? It actually looks like chocolate. Have you been eating chocolate?
MM: I had a mini Toblerone after lunch.
Co-worker #2: Ah, the pieces fall into place. Well clearly you suck at eating because it’s all over your face.
The laughing resumes.
And once again, according to CNN Money, this is the best job in the world?
by Mojito Maven on November 4, 2009
CNN Money recently released its list for the Top 50 Best Jobs in America.
Anyone care to gander a guess as to which job ranked number one?
If you guessed Systems Engineer you would be correct.
Here is what that article has to say about the BEST JOB IN AMERICA:
What they do: They’re the “big think” managers on large, complex projects, from major transportation networks to military defense programs. They figure out the technical specifications required and coordinate the efforts of lower-level engineers working on specific aspects of the project.
Why it’s great: Demand is soaring for systems engineers, as what was once a niche job in the aerospace and defense industries becomes commonplace among a diverse and expanding universe of employers, from medical device makers to corporations like Xerox and BMW.
Pay can easily hit six figures for top performers, and there’s ample opportunity for advancement. But many systems engineers say they most enjoy the creative aspects of the job and seeing projects come to life. “The transit system I work on really makes a tangible difference to people,” says Anne O’Neil, chief systems engineer for the New York City Transit Authority.
Drawbacks: Long hours are common; project deadlines can be fierce.
CROCK-O-SHIT!! Seriously CNN Money? Who exactly did you interview to come up with this horse shit? Certainly not me…
Those of you that have been following my blog since its conception know I am an engineer by day. What kind of engineer you ask? A SYSTEMS ENGINEER (yes, you know, the BEST JOB IN AMERICA…obviously) for a major defense contractor. And let me tell you, if my job is the best job in America, then we as a nation are royally SCREWED!
Now if this list would have been titled Most Mind-Numbingly Boring Jobs in America, then yes, I could see how a Systems Engineer would top the list.
Did your job make the list, and do you agree with CNN Money’s assesment of it? If your job did not make the list, care to share your thoughts on it?
by Mojito Maven on September 14, 2009
Side note: Chapter 20 of Somewhere In Between Us has been posted! Happy reading.
Conversation with my boss via Sametime (internal work messaging similar to gchat) earlier this morning:
Mr. Boss Man: Mojito Maven, are you busy?
MM: I am just working on a stress analysis and thermal prediction, but I can take a break. Why?
Mr. Boss Man: The VP of Engineering and Technology is here today and I wanted to introduce you. Can we stop by after lunch? I think this would be good visibility for you.
MM: Sure, I would love it if you stopped by!
Mr. Boss Man: Great. We will see you then.
I quickly remember I am wearing glasses, yoga pants, a t-shirt, six-year-old Reef flip flops, zero make-up, and my hair is thrown into a pony tail.
FML
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
by Mojito Maven on August 12, 2009
Note: I wish I could take credit for the amazingness that is this blog post, but alas, all glory must go to my dear friend, Princess Tartini. She sent this to me at work yesterday and I literally died laughing…so much so, that I knew I had to share the wealth and pass it on. Plus, she does ask an important question, why must new shoes squeak?
This weekend I HAD to buy new shoes. HAD to buy new shoes you say? Yes, HAD to buy new shoes, and I will tell you why. For anyone who has ever worked or been a visitor at the place where I work, Company XX, you will know that the parking lot is a vast sea of concrete gone bad. There are pot holes everywhere, places where the concrete is higher than other places, and little cracks and pieces missing all over the lot. To top off this poor excuse for a place to park a car, Company XX decided not too long ago, that yes indeed, this parking did need to be repaved; however, in what I can only infer to be a jab at those employees who do not arrive before 8am, only the first 10 or so rows were repaved. The rest of the parking lot was left untouched.
Now to my story of how I HAD to buy new shoes. Well, as much as I hated that parking lot, I still had to walk through it every day wearing work shoes. I had bought some cool black peep-toe Nine West pumps earlier this year. Somewhere along the way, the tip of one of the heels fell off the shoe (it is probably still out in that parking lot, wedged between one of the trillion cracks), but I really didn’t care, I just kept walking. Then, last Friday, I was about to put my shoes in my closet and had set them on my bathroom counter to pick up something else when I saw something that I am almost too embarrassed to say: On a level surface, it was quite obvious that ONE, not both, ONE of my heels had worn down almost an entire INCH, compared to the other shoe! NOT LYING! People, I have been walking around this office for months with one side of my body taller than the other! I don’t even want to know how jacked up my hips must be after all of that! So, this weekend, I showed up at Macy’s armed with a coupon, a gift card, and a very real need to buy some new black shoes. I tried on about 10 pairs, and finally settled on a pair of Calvin Klein strappy slingbacks that are still suitable for work.
Like any sane person that has learned her lesson, I wore my flip flops from the car to my desk, and only changed into my new CKs right before my daily morning walk to the coffee pot . . . which is when I noticed that these shoes have the most OBNOXIOUS squeak that I have ever heard. It is painfully obvious that I am the one responsible for this irritating noise and yet I can do nothing about it!
So, dear readers, I ask you:
1. Do you think Company XX should have to repave the rest of the parking lot or else pay for new tips on all of my shoes that fall victim to the awful parking lot?
2. Do you think I can file for workman’s comp for future hip problems I may have has an effect of an uneven parking lot and therefore uneven shoes?
3. Why must new shoes squeak?
by Mojito Maven on July 6, 2009
As part of a belated 4th of July celebration, my department held a BBQ lunch with prizes and free goodies to adorn your desk.
Each person was given a raffle ticket taped to the bottom of their plate. After lunch was over, the winners were announced…
1st place: $100 gift card to Pottery Barn.
2nd place: $50 gift card to Cheesecake Factory.
3rd place: A fleece blanket, canvas tote, and zip up jacket with our company’s logo on it.
4th-20th place: A troll doll, complete with jewel on its belly (I shit you not).
Does any one want to guess which one I won?
Apparently our group administrator was cleaning out her children’s closets this weekend and came across a box filled with these troll dolls. This was re-gifting at its best. Hilarious.
by Mojito Maven on June 24, 2009
While washing out my Tupperware container in the ladies room, I thought I heard a woman talking to herself in one of the stalls. Well it turns out she was actually talking on her cell phone.
Side note: Why do people find it appropriate to talk on a cell phone while using the restroom? Can someone explain this to me?
I tried to ignore her, but her voice was incredibly distracting because it was echoing off the walls.
All of a sudden I hear a loud plop followed by, “Holy f*&^. Gina, are you still there?”
Next I hear the splashing of water followed by the toilet flushing.
She then walks out of the stall with her sleeve soaking wet and water droplets dripping from her phone. I just stood there staring at her. She then walks over to the sink, washes her hands, and leaves without even acknowledging her mishap.
Can we talk about this?
SHE DROPPED IT IN THE TOILET AND FISHED IT OUT WITH HER HANDS BEFORE SHE FLUSHED IT?!?!
Ummm I’m going to Costco and stocking up on hand sanitizer.
by Mojito Maven on April 21, 2009
I am NOT a morning person. It is a good day if I get to work before 9am.
This week I have a HUGE customer meeting that starts at 8am and goes until 5pm with no breaks. As a result, I had to be at work at 7:15am to prepare…with my hair done…in a dress…and heels. If you know me you know this NEVER happens.
I was feeling proud of myself until one of the women in the meeting snickered at me and said, “Whoa, if I did not know any better I would say you were training for the Hippie Olympics your leg hair is so long.”
Really? The Hippie Olympics? I shaved my legs on Saturday so I doubt my leg hair is so long that it would constitute that kind of statement.
So I forgot to shave my legs this morning. Get off my back. I am sure she has been guilty of this too.
It was 6am when I got in the shower and the least of my concerns was making sure my legs were silky smooth. Instead I was attempting to wash my hair while I stayed standing and coherent at a seriously ungodly hour.
by Mojito Maven on April 7, 2009
When I think of bathroom etiquette this is NOT what comes to mind:
“If you get pee on the toilet seat, bathroom floor, or stall, clean it up! If you peed all over your bathroom at home would you just leave it there? Doubtful. We are professionals and work in a professional environment. Act like it.”
This sign was placed on the inside of every stall, above every sink, on the door to the bathroom, the trashcan, and on the paper towel dispenser. PEOPLE, we get it!
Are you sure I work in a professional environment? Have you met my cube neighbor? And how exactly does one get pee on the stall when sitting down to go to the bathroom??
Just another typical Tuesday.
by Mojito Maven on March 24, 2009
The infamous toe nail biter strikes again…
Sadly it is true. The gem of a man I have the pleasure of working with EVERY DAY never fails to DISGUST me.
Except this time he has upgraded (or downgraded depending on your tolerance level) to using an electric razor to trim his facial hair (with no trashcan underneath him) during his lunch break. AND in case he did not get everything the first time he is now using tweezers to pluck hairs out of his face and then placing them in a pile on his desk.
Oh and his computer monitor doubles as a mirror…Klassy! I swear I cannot make this stuff up.
For those that have asked how this man can possibly still be employed at my company I honestly have no idea. I think management figures he is 2-3 years away from retirement and a technical genius so it is easier to just tolerate him until he leaves.
by Mojito Maven on February 10, 2009
You know that you work at a THRILLING place of employment (and one of HUGE importance) when you receive the following email:
You have been asked to take part in the [Anonymous Company Name] Ice Machine Survey.
Survey Description: We will be getting a new Ice Machine on the first floor.
To access the survey, please click on the link below (or copy the address and paste it into your web browser).
Thank you for your participation.
When I clicked on the link for the Ice Machine Survey it consisted of ONE question:
How do you prefer your ice? (Please select one)
a. Crushed
b. Cubes
Granted I know this ONE question is INCREDIBLY important and could determine my overall satisfaction at said place of employment, but seriously?
I work at a place with cross-dressers (no I am not kidding…and no I do not think there is anything wrong with it…it is just strange to see at an engineering company), people with mullets, a creepy cube neighbor who eats his toenails (who also has a mullet), and apparently an ice machine that will only dispense cubes or crushed ice. Awesome.
